Each family passes through crises. Some difficulties are overcome easily and open a new stage in relationships, and some put the family on the line of decay. For 33-year-old Elena, a pharmacist from Moscow, another difficult situation was complicated by the age difference and her husband’s addiction to alcohol. For help, she turned to a psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky.

Elena: When we met, the future husband was 37 years old, and I am 23. We have been in marriage for 7 years. And recently, I suddenly realized that we are no longer a husband and wife, but just two people under one roof, parents of common children. There was no mental warmth, mutual understanding. The age difference began. Each has accumulated resentment and claims. All our conversations end with mutual accusations, quarrels and even more resentment.

Vladimir Dashevsky: You can give an example?

– I see nothing wrong with drinking and having fun to spend the evening with friends, but then we must return to family affairs. It turns out to me, he has it delayed for several days.

– Yes. And I don’t understand how to break this vicious circle.

– And before this happened?

– He drank a lot before we met. Then this was gone. Relations filled him. And now he just falls apart next to me, and I’m at a loss.

– And how do you see the perfect family?

– I have no such examples. But it always seemed to me that my husband and wife should have common values. I want us to go somewhere together, but it doesn’t work out.

– Was it always the case?

– No. There was a favorable period of relations, apparently, when we coincided by age. And now it’s hard for us to be together.

– As you think, when the crisis began?

– I have been on maternity leave for a long time, and my husband provided my family. But then our financial situation worsened, and I offered him help. At first, the husband was categorically against. But two years ago he himself said that I will still have to go to work. Since then everything has changed. I am trying to return those trusting, respectful, reverent relationships that were before, but it does not work. Now we often rude to each other.

– What kind of rudeness, do they reach humiliation?

– Probably not. But thin hints can be traced.

– I want him to get involved in business again, to be closer to life, to children. But instead of stimulating, I offend him.

– Lena, I have several considerations in this regard. If you are interested, I’m ready to share with you.

– It is very interesting to me. I want to understand what I am doing wrong, see my mistakes from the outside.

– There are several important points. The first is a crisis. You know very well that there is not a single family that would not come across them. But the crisis itself is not a problem, but a growth point, a kind of stage of development of family relations. If the couple has a lot of resources – I mean love, wisdom, generosity, humility – then there is an opportunity to overcome everything. If the forces are not enough, scandals, reproaches, insults, isolation occur. Each of the spouses has its own loneliness that you described.

– So it happens. I’m just leaving, because I have no strength to fight, talk, persuade, convince, select words. It’s easier for me to survive all alone.

– But the problem does not disappear. The case of your husband is a fairly common story. He reacts to difficulties in alcohol consumption. But this is only the top of the iceberg. The second part of it is a personal crisis. In men, it usually takes place from 35 to 45. Perhaps your husband has something similar. The man overestimates the life of the past life, argues

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whether everything has succeeded, if not – is disappointed. And finally, there is a third moment, in my opinion, the most serious. I cannot make an accurate diagnosis, but if regular breakdowns occur, the social function is disrupted, then we are talking about alcoholism. You say he cannot return to the business?

– No, he is engaged in it. But the matter requires constant attention and new investments. And then the death of his close friend ..

– You know, if we are talking about dependence, then the reason is not at all important! More precisely, this is not a reason, but a reason to drink. According to WHO classification, dependence is a disease. This is a disease – biopsycho -pose. The patient cannot cure himself from the disease with an effort of will. But depending on the husband there is your part. Your side of the street is co -dependence. You depend on its use in the same way as he. Your emotional state changes in accordance with how much he drank.

– Yes. It is actually hard for me to believe that this is happening to us.

– a very difficult situation, and the only thing you can do is to do yourself. Because you cannot take responsibility for your husband’s drunkenness, you have no right. Moreover, if you still take it, this once again speaks of co -dependence. In a sense, this disease can be even worse than the dependence itself. Alcohol for the husband is not a problem, but a solution. He, with the help of an altered state of consciousness, takes the world around. For a chemically dependent person, this is such a method of adaptation. A co -dependent person does not have a substance, a substrate, and he reacts himself, his body.

– It looks like that, because I gained a lot. And when I start actively playing sports, my husband has breakdowns. I am upset, I feel that it is psychologically depressed, and I let everything on its own. Therefore, the last month we are talking only on general topics. He does not go to my emotional half. And you know, it’s much more comfortable for me than when I need to discuss something personal with him.

– Personal – this is probably sex, money and children?

– True, because it is a common territory. And conflicts usually arise on it. You even went to work to earn yourself and not talk about money.

– I still continue to work, but already in his enterprise. He is a boss, and I am a subordinate.

– And at home this model is repeated?

– At first he tried, but did not work out.

– It turns out that you have mixed roles, if he is a boss at work, but not at home. This is what the incredible flexibility should be to leave the rod at work ..

– He, in principle, copes with this.

– Probably, as a boss, I do not always perceive him.

– Here’s another reason for the conflict.

– You know, now you have raised this topic, and I felt what bothers me. He always earned and behaved accordingly. When I started working, we divided all responsibilities in half. He had to help a lot with children and around the house. He could engage in business from home, but I did not have such an opportunity. As a result, he began to take on my duties, and I have to do things that I would not want to get into.

– And the difference in age has nothing to do with! There are many sustainable marriages with a difference and at 20 years old. But when the boundaries are blown away, the connection is lost. Instead of looking in one direction, you begin to look at each other, look at the shortcomings. Here, the difference in age, and the difference in interests, and, possibly, intellectual, emotional, sexual contradictions are striking in the eyes.

– Yes, my spouse and I did not work out partnerships. And what to do?

– I will repeat again. You need to take up yourself, set your side of the street. After all, everything that happens to you is only your choice. You see, the family is a system. All elements in it are interconnected. Imagine a clock, there are different mechanisms, gears, and they are somehow connected. If one wheel begins to move differently, then the whole system will change. And you have a choice: you can start doing something with you! It is useless to make a complaint to her husband. Get into someone else’s head and change something there, neither you nor I can.

– But it’s very difficult for me not to be kept.

– Yes, not to get involved in conflict requires mental courage. But there are several tricks. You can say: “Dear, it’s very difficult for me to participate in a quarrel. It is important for me to take a pause “, to leave, to do your favorite thing. We can return to the conversation when both will be ready. You can talk about yourself and to yourself: “It hurts unbearably when it happens”. Naturally, under no circumstances to attract children in clarification of relationships, do not use them as hostages, as an argument in a dispute.

– It seems to me that I do so, but this, apparently, is not enough.

– You now have very little information. But there is literature on co -dependence, it needs to be studied. Free mutual assistance groups “Al-Anon” work. Wives, mothers, relatives, friends of dependent people gather there, share their experience, forces, hopes. It will be very useful for you. Firstly, it relieves voltage, and secondly, you can find out what specific steps to take. Now you need to do something every day in order not to depend on the use of alcohol by your husband. You need to learn how to be yourself, develop, feel like a woman, feel your body, be welcome and attractive, to be a mother. A mother, who is in a good mood, she can be funny, tell some interesting things, be an example. And such actions, paradoxically, can help the spouse.

– I feel ready for these steps. Because what is happening now is a dead end. You need to get out of it. Now I realized where and how to move.

P.S

Vladimir Dashevsky: Families passing through the crisis try to find rational explanations for the deterioration of relations. Lena calls the cause of conflicts a greater age difference. In my opinion, the age difference is not a problem here. In this pair, the crisis of 7-10 years of marriage was aggravated by the alcohol dependence of her husband and the co-dependent behavior of his wife. I tried to shift Lena’s focus from my spouse’s problems to my own life. The heroine’s work is able to make changes to the entire family system.

Elena (after a week): Vladimir explained that there is a point of no return in the relationship, crossing which it is difficult to fix something. But until it is passed, there is a chance. And salvation must start with yourself. I finally understood and realized that I have my own needs, that I should not hide them and restrain them. We drew the vector of my further actions. I started work on myself and I already see changes. I hope the husband will feel it too and want to continue to change with me.

How to get to the first free consultation

Psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky every month holds a free consultation with one of our readers. If you wanted to understand yourself for a long time, just fill out an application for participation in the special project of Psychologies magazine. You will be convinced that even in one session of working with a specialist you can better realize the causes of problems and start the way to release.